Category: jesus heaven unbelief hell

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 8

May 1, 2022April 25, 2023 · 7 Comments ·

“Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Pprickk! Crrrrack! Pssst! Screeeeech!

Dark red blood spurted from my arm that was being twisted and bent into a hideous shape, like a wet rag being squeezed.

“This spell is useless, damn it.”^[1]

I’d rather have made my own spell before coming here if I’d known this would happen.

The torn arm was released from the intense pressure and returned under my control, but it didn’t mean much because it had already turned into an arm smaller than a three-year-old child.

But this too shall pass. Jesus was also nailed to the cross, ridiculed, and pierced through the side with a spear, and he too went through torment that seemed unending.

However, in the end, didn’t he manage to HODL^[2] and resurrect successfully after three nights and four days? Of course, Thomas, one of the twelve apostles who wasn’t the biggest investor in JesusCoin, asked if he could look at the hole in Jesus’ side, but he too believed and ascended to Heaven in the end.

So what I’m trying to say is that although these situations seem so desperate, they don’t last forever.

Eternity, by itself, represents the final apex of uncertainty. How will it end, how will it change? Since no one knows, ‘eternity’ and ‘end’ are its two final apices.

Unfortunately, only ‘end’ can be found in this material world, so ‘eternity’ must be found in Hell or Heaven over there.

For example, let’s consider the swarm of cockroaches, spiders, centipedes, grasshoppers, and fleas crawling all over the building and surging towards me this very moment.

Because I knew that there was only an end waiting for me, not eternity, I cried out.

“I’ve got peace like a river! Peace like a river! Peace like a riveaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!”

Schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk – Y’know, a square jaw is what happens if you don’t have a proper diet.

According to my metaphysical, incomplete, and unsound illogical assumptions, chewing something with your upper and lower teeth in perfect alignment is very bad. If the teeth and temporomandibular joint structures collide so hard, not only will it have a bad effect on your facial muscles, but there’s also a risk that the teeth may be severely damaged due to the strong mandibular force.

Soldier 76^[3], a renowned dentist in the United States, said that taking care of your delicate teeth and temporomandibular joints is the first step towards taking care of your health.

There’s no need to ask what’s the use of clean teeth with no cavities and strong temporomandibular joints, when you’re facing worms that never stop chewing. Because it’s just common sense, a well-known fact.

And this prick, who’s muttering to himself about common sense in such a situation. What a swell guy, eh? I wish he could take a hike right now.

Can I really feel the peace like a river? Strictly speaking, I find no peace in the river because if I go to the river to wash, instead of making me clean, the river water itself becomes filthy. So it’s more of a peace like environmental pollution.

Then, if you enjoy a picnic near the river and let the picturesque scenery heal your soul, is that peace like a river?

Then why is everyone diving into the Han River to commit suicide every time their life gets a little off-track?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus told us to enjoy peace like a river, when did he tell us to rest in the river?

It’s ‘river of peace’, not ‘REST IN PEACE’! What’s with that surprised Pikachu face^[4]! GG no re^[5]!

I am like the firefly that crawls into my mouth. It doesn’t have any friends, an ignorant bastard who just keeps crawling. An ungrateful bastard who’s never been invited to a birthday party and never held any.

March together, everybody! Let the trumpet cry out from the corners of Heaven to the ends of the earth! Ppiiiiii, ppiiiiiiii! Those who retreat will be executed! Listen to this big bro!

「The ingrates.」

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there were some filthy shits living the high life somewhere. They were so wicked that they didn’t even know or care that their mother was dying, and they always took all the delicious food only for themselves. This meat is for me, and this plate of fried worms is for you. Oh my gosh, dear honey who departed first, I miss you so much! Although so many of you have been in my bed over the years, I can’t actually remember you all!

And next!

「The street king.」

A real man like me, who once dumped a baby I was holding at the market because it was crying too loud, isn’t this country prospering because of people with just my kind of talent? Hmm? Shouldn’t I get an award or something? Why are the police at my door instead? Ugh, and here were were having some fun! Put your hands up, hands up! Fuck you, you put your hands up, you bastards!

Rrrrrrumble! Ttttthhhhump! Ratatatatat! What’s the big deal, you punks? You’re spoiling the party! I sprint, my body moving with the beat! All together now! Clap clap clap! Let’s all go together!

「The spouse-killer.」

I know I shouldn’t have done it. But that fucking she-cat just kept talking back. I thought, you know, this country’s a goner anyway. I don’t even have the words to explain what I feeling back then. Like… you know, families are cracking! Society is cracking! My heart was cracking too! And so I went and cracked that bitch’s skull!

「The drowned gangster.」

Oooooooooooooooh who’d sank into the deep ocean with the concrete.

Let’s play Fishing Cube™!^[6]

You who didn’t know your place and got caught!

Square fish – get!

Caught by the syndicate and bullied!

Square fish – get!

“Square fish caught!”

Square fish caught~ Square fish caught~ Square fish caught~

Square fish!

Caught!

“Trrririririririllll!”

Oh! I’m ready! Here’s the beat! Go high, go low!

Shhh! Shush! Shush! Shhh! Sheeit! Shhh! Shaa! Shush! Groan! Shush!

The cold metal that runs me through is smoother than a woman’s skin, and it tears me to pieces as painfully as my love leaving me! Ooooooh! We’ll always be friends! Ooooooh! Be happy!

Ooh!

It’s like realizing too late that it’s a crime to mix milk with Oreos. Listen. Listen to the mournful wailings of the former Oreo, where ‘re’ left and only ‘oo’ remained.

They should’ve been together. But since you dipped the Oreo in milk, a terrible fusion event occurred that wiped out all traces of the original. On the other hand, if you put Oreo on your charming tongue and chew it with your cute teeth, you can grow old and enjoy a stable life. If you get French kissed, you’ll taste like Oreos. Win win!

Stand up! Stand up now! (I am a Man BGM plays)^[7]

Deputy Han is here. You aren’t alone in your suffering. Try believing in Jesus and you might get a little hurt, but if you don’t then you’re going to be in for a world of pain at my hands. Now choose, which side is Heaven and which side is Hell?

Beep! The exit is on the right side, the light is to the right. So you should take the right. (Amiable nod)

The right door is surprisingly wide, by the way. I thought you all probably didn’t know, so I’m just telling you this time in particular. (Squints and walks away)

Twitch! Shudder! Screech! Chica chica boom boooooooooooooom! Yo listen listen I can’t listen~ (52x I want to hear it so I can’t listen~)

You there, creeping in with pride! Leave your wretched fate behind! Don’t even think about dying! Death here won’t even leave ash behind!

「The failure.」

I’d only ever wanted to be a dreamy little child! But this world shamelessly perpetuates child abuse! I suffered such wanton violence! In the end, I couldn’t achieve my dreams and could only die like an adult!

「The cuckold.」

My kid is actually Hyun-suk’s daughter. No, if a wife is lonely, she might indulge in an affair or two, how could you as the husband be so petty about it? It’s true the kid doesn’t look like you, but that just means she’s pretty! What’s there not to like! Don’t you know what they say, if you can’t avoid it, enjoy it?! Ignoramus! One’s called Seo Sung-han! What do those characters stand for? Seogang U, Sungkyunkwan U, Hanyang U! The other’s Seo Yeon-go! Seoul National, Korea and Yonsei Universities! Each one an international treasure! Don’t you understand that even though the surname is the same, the two names are from different worlds?! Are you going to honestly admit it or not? Oh, you admit it~ Do you even know how to read traditional Hangul? Hah! No need to guess who skipped lit class back in school!

Fuck.

“Let’s sing together! Hymn 301st! What I’ve been through!”^[8]

What I’ve been through is the Lord’s great grace~ (Grace)

How can the Lord’s infinite love be described~ (Described)

Thy hand always watches over me~ (Over me)

O Lord, you make all things prosper~ (Prosper)

My bodyyyyyyyyy and my heaaaaaaart are weeeeeeeaaaaak

But I liiiiiiiiiive with new streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeength

“The Lord’s grace is enough! Is it enough?!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Enouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!

“Hallelujah! Oh, hallelujah! Hallelujah, YEAH!”

Come before the Lord Jesus! That means you bugs too! You ghosts, too! We even have Representative Han! Let’s all sing the hymn together!

“You! I! We! This means Father! Son! Holy Spirit! Do you believe in Jesus?!”

I belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!!!

“Are you listening properly~!”

Yes, yes, Deputy Han!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Then come forward in turn, comrades, and take out your ticket.”

The first to come out was an old man with a dirty and ugly face, so I stamped ‘Heaven’ on the old man’s passport.

“Pray always to the Lord Jesus’ Father, comrade.”

“Oh, thank you sir!”

“I’ll be watching you, comrade.”

The comrade with the stamp of Heaven on his empty passport was happy and jumped on the plane to Heaven.

“Now you. Are you sorry for beating your wife to death?”

“I am reflecting on my actions.”

“Then you too, go up!”

Him too I proudly gave a stamp of Heaven.

“Are you reflecting on how you died after ignoring your husband and getting caught in an affair? If so, let’s say sorry to your still living husband.”

“Th-, th-, th-… that crazy bastard did it first!”

“Do you want a stint in a correctional facility, comrade?”

“I’m sorry, honey!”

“Then you too are going to Heaven! Go before the Lord Jesus and swear that you will never commit adultery again! Weep before Him to prove your innocence!”

“Gladly!”

The innocent child who couldn’t make his dream come true and die as a failure of an adult, came forward.

“How pitifully wretched. But looking at you, achieving your dream probably never was in the cards. Will you repent of your sins of chasing after a vain dream and taking out your anger on others for nothing?”

“Screeech~”

“But Heaven still has its doors open, greenhorn. Look closely.”

I stamped ‘Heaven, oh yeah!’ on his forehead.

“Go straight to Jesus who made you like this and demand after-sales service. Next!”

Finally, it was the two gangsters in front of me, one who got beaten up and drowned in the sea, and one who’d once ruled the streets.

The meatheads, who looked pretty similar to each other, were arguing over who was stronger. My argument was that they were no match for the Power of Jesus.

“You two muscle-addicts might not know. There is a man named Nazareth J. Christ. He has many nicknames, such as Nazareth Monkeyspanner, the Scourge of Jerusalem, Longinus Spearbearer, etc. He’s got sobriquets up the wazoo. But the most famous is, of course, Jesus Christ. Can you be like the valiant Peter who draws swords in Jesus’ place? Can you be like the bold Judas who defeated Jesus in the end?”

“Absolutely!”

“There’s nothing I can’t do!”

“Then you too are going to Heaven. Try and aim at being his new chief disciple.”

After I stamped the last one, I woke up in an abandoned building, softly kissed by sunlight.

“Cough!”

Spitting out the worms in my mouth, I finally rose, a smirk upon my lips.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] Far as I can see this is a riff on the Deadpool joke, from the movie scene on the bridge where Deadpool broke his hand punching Cable, and cried ‘Canada! Canada!’ to fix it. (Because how good their healthcare is, I’d assume.) But are you trying that in real life? Deputy Han, please stop being so extra…

[2] 존버 (Johnver) is a mainly gaming slang, meaning do nothing and hold on. It’s also used in crypto and stock trading (and the very next sentence refers to belief in Jesus as a cryptocurrency), so translating to the US trader meme HODL (Investopedia link). Speaking from experience, it’s not a trading strategy to be recommended.

[3] And now we’re playing Overwatch.

[4] 상상도 못한 정체 (lit. unimaginable identity), a Korean meme of being very surprised seeing somebody unexpected. See link.

[5] 섹스섹스보지털 (lit. sex sex vaginal hair), see SSB incident if you’re really interested.

[6] 네모네모 물고기 (lit. square fish) – I assume this is referring to the mobile game Fishing Cube. Having never played it, this is just a guess.

[7] 나 사나이다 (lit. I am a Man) – listen on YouTube.

[8] 지금까지 지내온 것 (what I’ve been through) – listen to the hymn on YouTube.

It took months to translate this. Am I supposed to be happy or sad? Kudos to the three fans in total who guilted me into finally finishing this.

If you like the story, please like, comment, and above all, rate it on NovelUpdates!

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 7

December 24, 2021May 1, 2022 · 4 Comments ·

“P-, please spare me…”

“If you believe in Jesus, you can live. All kinds of patients with incurable diseases and terminal illnesses believe in Jesus, I hear. If you survive, it’s a miracle, and even if you’re unlucky, you’ll still go to Heaven.”

“I was wrong, please forgive me just once… Kahk!”

“Hey, do you think Jesus is your buddy or something? How can you make Jesus wait like this? If you just believe, your life is fucking guaranteed. Do you understand what is chance this is, that all your worries will disappear and you’ll even get a free ticket to Heaven after you’re dead?”

“I’ll believe! I’ll believe!”

“Then come sit over here.”

I sat that one thug in front of me and opened the Bible I’d got from Father Sung.

I didn’t know much about the priestly duties like exorcism, baptism, or confession, but didn’t all those Jesus’ believers have a foible of opening a Bible like this?

‘Or I could start carrying a cross.’

Thinking that either one of the priestly regalia should suffice, I squatted down and placed my hand on the head of the bastard who was busy sniffling his runny nose.

“Before you can believe in Jesus, you have to first confess your sins.”

“… What?”

“Tell me the sins you’ve committed so far, you idiot.”

“So… that is… I stole cash from my parents’ wallets!”

I could see the shimmering black energy emanating from him. Those who did not truly confess their sins before Jesus deserved punishment.

“And, and, aaaaaaaaa!”

“Jesus doesn’t even see a child stealing candy as a sin. Same for you stealing from your parents’ wallets. I will tell you again. Confess your sins.”

“Okay! I get it, so my head…!”

“Do you think this is the worst pain you will ever experience? If you don’t goddamn start believing in Jesus, you will suffer far more than this. Your entire life is going to be a journey bound for Hell’s abyss. Nothing you do will work out. Fall sick with just some minor illness, and you’ll see the gangster^[1] bros with horns on their heads politely ushering you in at the entrance to Hell. And they’ll say that the hellfire is hot today, so you’ll get the authentic full course experience.”

“A friend… I harassed a friend!”

Ppak!

As if unconsciously, I slapped the foolish man, who still confessed only a part of his sins before Jesus, again in the face.

“Harassed how?”

“Ugh… kh! Beating, stealing money, burning with cigarette butts, taking off pants in front of girls!”

“That’s not the most important part.”

The black aura that I felt was not at a level that could be accumulated from such petty sins. I could see it with my own eyes.

I, who had been the subject of persecution since childhood, knew the gravity of such sins better than anyone else.

“I filmed her naked and posted the video on the internet… aaaaaaaaaaah!”

“You’re still leaving out the most important part.”

My fist once again smashed into his face and his cheekbones, this time twisting the nasal bones properly, and blood spurted like a fountain.

“I really didn’t mean to… ugh!”

“If you want to confess your sins in front of Jesus, you must hide nothing. If you don’t, he won’t forgive you.”

Confess all your sins. And repent. In the end, you shall be be forgiven.

Then, will Jesus care for you with infinite mercy and love, be you a sick motherfucking bastard or a parentless wretch?

The victim’s ‘feelings’ won’t be a consideration at all.

“She… I made her commit suicide! Uhhhhhhhhhh…!”

“Yeah, well done. Even after killing a person, you couldn’t come to your senses and kept wandering the night streets with these fucking bastards and doing others harm. But if you sincerely repent and ask for forgiveness anyway, Jesus will not send you to Hell.”

I gently stroked his head, as you would to a sobbing man, and closed the Bible.

“Even though I am not a priest who claims to be Jesus’ agent or servant, I hereby swear that I will admit to accepting your confession as a stand-in subcontractor, and I will be a witness guaranteeing your journey to Heaven. Even if you mess up your life again, you will eventually be able to break through the gates of Heaven as long as you believe in Jesus and follow Him, and you will have the right to confidently go to Jesus and say that although you took the lives of your friends and family, you still returned to His arms in the end. Amen.”

“A–, Amen…”

“Now you are the living Son of Jesus, and you must pray to Him all your life and live faithfully. Like I swore as your witness, will you also swear that you will live that way from now on?”

“I swear… I will.”

“Well done. Now let me instil in you an unbreakable faith.”

I took all the personal information from his wallet and smartphone that I’d stolen from him.

“On the day you break the oath you made to Jesus here today, I will pay a visit upon you.”

When I returned the wallet and smartphone, he gasped and trembled.

“My oath, your oath, and the unshakeable faith that Jesus desires. You must never betray any of them, yes?”

“No, that’s right!”

“Yeah. Let’s cast a magic spell to make you remember this moment forever. Follow along.”

Hrmmm! Clearing my throat once, I pronounced in a slightly hoarse voice.

“Ab-raca-dabra.”^[2]

“… Ab, raca, dabra.”

“Don’t let this spell be broken. For the rest of your life. Pray to Jesus every time you eat. Even if you don’t visit the church in the weekend, never forget to send tithes and offerings to the pastor’s bank account.”

“…”

I made my way out of the dark alleyway, past the bastards strewn around on the ground.

I felt refreshed because this was my first time sending a stray lamb experiencing life’s turmoil to Jesus, shipped fast and cash-on-delivery.

I had to admit that it felt rewarding, but more than that, my hands and feet felt like they were running on automatic, as if I had been born to do this kind of thing.

Most subcontractors end up taking a dim view of their lives because they feel like redundant cogs in the wheels of the large and mid-sized corporations, but today I realized that even subcontractors have their own way of life.

‘But I’m still not good enough.’

When I think of the exorcism that Father Sung and Deacon Johann performed on me, I feel that I still have a long way to go.

They were ardent devotees who had truly dedicated their lives to the destruction of evil for the great Lord Jesus and His Father in Heaven, and they had faith that even if they offered an option steeped in compulsion, salvation still waited in the end.

I wouldn’t understand those types even if I died, but I have no choice but to acknowledge their abilities and their faith.

What I need is professional knowledge, skills, and experience.

The exorcist was not born an exorcist, much like I, who became an orphan at the tender age of eight, was not born an orphan.

‘I learned the basics of religion and history from the library, but I need to go through an in-depth course to get into this industry.’

What should be my process?

I went to a nearby PC room, paid for a subscription, sat down in a corner, and threw myself into the sea of information that was the pride of mankind.

From haunted places where ghosts appeared, to absurd cases where people were actually possessed by a spirit, to all sorts of mysterious phenomena presumed to be works of the Devil.

Exorcism, Buddhist edification, talismans, amulets, witchcraft, curses (shamanic), necromancy, spiritualism, spirit and demon languages, how to tune into spiritual frequencies, how to distinguish between possession and mental illness, hypnosis treatment, qi treatment, self-suggestion, sign interpretation, divination, astral projection.

I even searched the sites that were domestically censored, as long as there was a way to bypass the restrictions using a proxy server or similar means, for relevant information.

Sitting at a desk working on a PC was such a familiar task for me that I simply kept on collecting information endlessly. Until the night shift part-timer at the PC room gave way to the daytime shift, and then changed to the night shift guy again.

The night shift part-timer, after the day had passed, came to my cubicle to clean up and asked if things were fine.

If the person you saw the day before, still sits in the same position the next day, with the same posture, and just keeps staring at the browser window instead of playing games, it’s only natural to get worried.

That led me to suddenly realize that I hadn’t gotten any food or drink in me for over two days.

After a big fight with those wannabe gangster kids, I came here to sit in the PC room covered in rags, so the part-timer was likely just worried about me, not for me.

‘A weird customer who stinks, looks like he’s about to keel over any moment, and sits in the corner of the PC room all day – who’ll care about such a guy? Even I would’ve wanted to shoo me out right away in his position.’

A good man who faithfully performs his duty shall also go to heaven, so I finished calculating the overdue charges and said goodbye to the part-timer after paying.

“Jesus’ Heaven and Unbelievers’ Hell. Be sure to believe in Jesus and go to Heaven.”

“… Ah, yes.”

After swimming in the sea of information for dozens of hours and indulging in all kinds of rumours, noxious information, and possibly even some garbage that might actually turn out to be true, I finally decided on my future career path.

I stopped by a convenience store near the hospital to buy a set of incense sticks, and then got a pot and ladle that could stand some moderate beating from a nearby Daiso^[3] store.

Finally, I stopped by the night market to buy some red beans and coarse salt.

I put everything in a small sack and took a taxi to the redevelopment area.

It was a ruin that had been earmarked for redevelopment a long time ago, but the process had been stuck halfway due to some wild troubles between the various companies, politicians, and civic groups involved.

The taxi driver asked over and over if it was really fine to drop me off here, but I paid the taxi fare and got off without a word.

The chilly autumn night wind gently caressed my body, like it had done on the night of September 9th at 9:09.

Even if you arm yourself with theory, if you lack the practical skills, your boasts will only ring hollow.^[4]

I walked through the gloomy ruins with my head high, and reached the front of a building where a construction company and a civic group once had a sharp confrontation.

The construction company had said that it would demolish the building since it had the requisite permissions from the government and the city, and the ‘fraudsters’ disguised as a socially conscious civic group had insisted that the building should never be demolished.

Digging deep into the sprawls of the internet, where all kinds of rumours abounded covering the kernels of truth scattered like grain, I had managed to find out why this building had been originally built.

“In the outskirts, far from the centre of the city that houses more than ten million souls, this place was being used as a spirit burial site.”

Just as humans need a graveyard to bury their remains when they die, I heard that there are places where spiritual beings that are useless or even harmful to human society are gathered together and buried like garbage.

Sages, high priests and shamans, who’ve picked up things they can’t handle, throw them away in such a place, calling it spirit burial.

Incidentally, the most popular spirit burial sites in Korea are apparently Mt. Jirisan^[5] and some remote islands.

I can’t afford the long-term penance of the faithful devotees who have lived all their lives dedicating themselves to Lord Jesus and His Father, limiting their human desires and working themselves to the bone.

So, if I want to at least stand on the same starting line as them, I have to catch up to their degree of penance in a short time.

Jesus’ Heaven and Unbelievers’ Hell.

Starting from the front of the building, I walked, sprinkling red beans and coarse salt as I went, beating the pot with the iron ladle all the while.

Then, I lit all the incense sticks and threw them so the whole building could smell the smoke.

In a place like this, I’ve done something I shouldn’t have done, so I should get a bite soon.

Ududududuk.

My arm that had thrown the last stick of incense was bent at a bizarre angle, as if it had been caught by something in the air.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] 깍두기 (lit. radish kimchi) is a cube shaped side dish, but here it’s used as a slang for gangster. Because many Korean gangsters have a flattop haircut resembling the dish.

[2] 수리수리느금마수리 (suri-suri-masuri, lit. repair, repair, repair) is a slang word with similar meaning as abracadabra.

[3] 다이소 (Daiso) is a Japanese 100-yen shop and retailer chain, and operates (although independently from the Japanese arm) in South Korea as well.

[4] 요란한 빈 수레 (lit. noisy empty cart), meaning is self-evident.

[5] Located in the southern regions, the second tallest mountain in South Korea.

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 6

November 18, 2021December 24, 2021 · 4 Comments ·

On that day, I cancelled my rent contract and threw away everything unnecessary.

I withdrew all the money from my bank account in large 50,000 won bills, piled them up in a large duffel bag, and left the house with just the minimum necessary clothes and daily necessities.

To erase all traces my existence, I scrapped the PC containing my personal information, and called a cleaning company to clean it up before I left the house.

I took out my ID from the wallet. The ID photo still had a youthful vibe. There was also a family photo taken when I was much younger.

Ahh, Representative Han. You are no longer even a Representative, and yet you have regrets.

I crushed the hard plastic ID in my hand, crumpling it and flushing it down the sewer.

I tore up the picture of a little kid frowning as he held his parents’ hands in front of a church, and I tore up the old memories that came with it.

The faded photograph I had carried with me for nearly twenty years was no longer a link connecting me to my parents. It was just a by-product of the past binding my feet.

“If you were alive, you would have come to see me.”

Even though my parents always made me skip dinner and copy the Bible whenever I made a mistake.

Even so, I know they always made time to stay with me over the weekends, and on Christmas they became Santa Claus and left presents at my bedside.

If only I hadn’t quarrelled with my friends at school that day, if I hadn’t run out recklessly while being scolded by my parents and teachers, and if I hadn’t been spending time alone, far from home, late into the night.

If so, would my life have been very different from now?

“Unfortunately, that was also a choice.”

I am tired of this world where even the childish behaviour of a kid who knows nothing and cannot properly control his mental illness is regarded as a ‘choice’.

Because I made such a choice when I was young, I lost my parents, grew up as an orphan, moved back and forth between my relatives’ houses, and ultimately ruined my social life?

If such a dog-like fate was also God’s will, that is something I will gladly deny and disaffirm.

I didn’t flush the ripped-up pieces of the photo down the sewer. Instead, I walked straight to the Han River. As the chilly autumn wind blew, I scattered those remnant fragments of old memories towards the jet-black waterway.

There was nothing left of Representative Han anymore.

Come to think of it, I did quit working in the office, but I feel the title of Representative Han is pretty decent. Doesn’t it sound professional, as if you have a certain rank stipulated by society?

I fastened my coat at the front and pressed down my hat. As the darkness descended, I crawled into the city that was revealing its nocturnal splendour.

‘Compared to them, I fall far short.’

The exorcist and the deacon had been waiting for me at the bar, one step ahead of me, tracking my actions and mindset while I wandered around the city mindlessly.

They could not secure CCTV footage, but they still connected me to the first serial murder case through the testimony of the hophouse owner. They were experts who succeeded in tracking me and anticipating my course.

Although their exorcism was not able to corrode my spirit and belief, their resourcefulness was indubitably great.

Rather, they were able to find out my identity when even the police hadn’t succeeded, and moved one step ahead of me. Not to mention their skills and intelligence, you have to applaud their personal connections in this industry.

Actually, I couldn’t have expected the bar owner to be acquainted with the priest’s party, and to even secretly mix holy water in my drink at their order.

It’s really great.

Because it’s so great, they are able to preach the will of that handsome God with their own upright beliefs and faith.

So, I have to imitate them too.

‘Right now, I am just an ordinary person. Knowledge, experience, connections in this industry – everything is lacking.’

I didn’t have even have the least bit of basis on which to build my future operations.

Oh, but there was just one thing I was better at.

I was able to distinguish the sinners in the crowd walking around the city under the brilliance of night.

One who has committed a light sin, one who has committed a serious crime, one who will commit a crime in the future, one who will live as a good person for the rest of his life, a doll struggling with something not born of his own will, or a being not even human.

I stood still at the centre of the crowd, observed the various groups of people, and recorded their similarities and differences.

When the work that seemed unending was finally over, it was around the gloomy dawn when people no longer wandered around the streets.

Soon, the morning sun will rise again and rush hour will begin for office workers, but I didn’t want to keep standing in the middle of the street and repeat the tedious work of recording and sorting.

Because, at least, I got a feel for it.

Just like researching market information before starting a business, I too had a mountain of things I needed to know before entering this industry.

As it was not worth wasting even a minute or even a second, I left the downtown area without any regrets and headed for the large library in Seoul.

By the time I arrived there on foot, the library door was open, since it was morning already.

From there, I crawled into a remote unpopular nook, and started to read. Mainly, books about various religions and histories.

When did I become such a fast reader? It took me only ten minutes to read a thick book. So I continued to the next book, and then the one after that.

After finishing all the books that had piled up beside me like a mountain, I brought a new book and continued reading.

The librarian at the counter was sending me a puzzled look, but I just kept reading. Over and over again.

Fundamentally speaking, what is religion? What is human history according to religion, or does history have a deep religious connection? What did people in history think of religion, and furthermore, how did society as a whole come to accept religion? I devoured every single scrap of information without taking a breath.

The earliest primitive religions in human history did not have a distinct god.

For example, the god of lightning was not called Zeus, the god of wisdom was not called Odin, and the mother of all things was not praised as Gaia.

Ancient humans, who lived hard lives, venerated natural disasters which were also blessings of nature itself, as gods; and celebrated abundance. Naturally, they also practiced offering sacrifices to quell the wrath of nature, which is the opposite of the fertility festival.

In the first place, the God who has the largest number of believers on Earth was not even the first god in history.

From a Christian perspective, God created the heavens and the earth in the beginning, formed all things, and called it the Garden of Eden.

Adam, the first human and a male born in this way, felt lonely and appealed for a mate, wherefore God took out one of his ribs and fashioned Eve from it, who was the first woman and mother.

Then God said, “Adam and Eve, you may eat freely of all the trees in the garden, except for one. Do not partake of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”^[1]

To this, Adam and Eve bowed their heads to their great Creator and Parent, God, and replied that they would obey. But in the Garden of Eden, where everything was perfect, some imperfect existences already existed.

One was the fruit of good and evil that was unnecessary for humans, and the other was an evil serpent that was looking for opportunities to push humans into the abyss of evil.

The serpent first tempted Eve to get the forbidden fruit, and then Eve seduced Adam into eating it.

Adam and Eve, who until then had neither the knowledge of nor the distinction between ‘good’ and ‘evil’ because they had not eaten the fruit, were fooled by the deceitful tongue of a vicious serpent and committed a great sin.

Because they did not have the knowledge and wisdom to distinguish between good and evil, ironically, they easily fell into the abyss of evil.

Because their great Creator and Parent did not show Adam and Eve how to tell the difference between good and evil.

Just because he gave an unexplained command, “Do not partake of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

Thus, the stories spoke of Adam and Eve being expelled from the Garden of Eden, and of mankind’s beginning, from the Old Testament in the Bible to the New Testament and to modern society.

As I closed the last chapter of the Bible that Father Sung had, I once again felt the contradictions in God’s behaviour and the absurdity of the world, and set out to find more knowledge to understand it.

If God did so, there must have been a good reason.

You have to search, and search, and search again. Otherwise, you too will stumble at some point and fall into the cracks of contradiction. Imperfection is the greatest weakness.

“Excuse me……”

“Yes?”

“It’s closing time soon. I’m sorry, but you have to leave soon.”

At the librarian’s careful request, I checked my smartphone with its half-broken screen.

The battery was still charged because it was not used often, but the time was getting close to 10 o’clock at night. That meant I’d been reading books here all day.

“Excuse me. I’ll just organize my books and leave.”

“No, no. I’m the librarian, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

The librarian chased me out with a slightly tired face, so I left the library with a mountain of books she had organized.

Still not enough.

I need to know more.

I have to go through a lot more, experience a lot more, to become an expert.

Otherwise, I too would be as jejune as that Father Sung who couldn’t break my faith.

A single man in a coat carrying a duffel bag containing tens of thousands of won definitely was an uncommon sight in Seoul. In other words, I looked like a careless idiot who could be devoured in moderation.

As proof of that, I ran into a group of high school students smoking cigarettes as I passed an alleyway between the shops.

“Hey, uncle. Come here and open your bag.”

“Hey, he looks homeless, does he even have anything?”

“There are a lot of homeless people like that carrying a lot of stuff around.”

“Yeah, the homeless guy we robbed last time had a lot of alcohol and cigarettes in his bag, right?”

“It’d be great if it’s alcohol.”

Even in the dark, I could see the sins of the students giggling as they approached me.

In fact, just calling them sins didn’t properly describe their crimes. The deeper, the more, and the older the oily black aura lingering on you, the more sinful you are.

I sensed no small sin in these kids who hadn’t even become adults yet.

“Hey, uncle. Quickly open the bag… Guhk!”

As I swung my fists, my hands began to ache as I wasn’t used to such impacts.

The bastard who got hit with a bang fell down for a moment, and the others rushed at me haphazardly.

I was kicked, punched, hit and pushed against a wall, but I didn’t stop.

Even as my nose bled, the skin on my fists peeled off, even as my whole body throbbed like all my bones had cracked, I silently kept fighting.

“Aak! Aak! Why this fucking bastard…”

“Is this bastard drunk? He isn’t going down even after so many hits!”

“How long can a drunk bastard fight! Just step on it!”

Yeah, feel free to step on it. Because I’m going to step on it too.

After stumbling over each other and repeatedly stepping on each other like crazy, I finally stood in front of them with my face puffy and swollen, and my nose bleeding.

The kids fallen down before me were groaning, looking at me with fear in their eyes.

However, it is not me that you should be afraid of, but the poor victims you have wronged and tormented.

And as a bonus, be afraid of the handsome one who shall judge little bastards like you at the end of days.

“Hey.”

“Uh… kahk!”

I grabbed the head of the bastard who was the most sinful of the bunch.

“Do you want me to kill you, or do you want to believe in Jesus?”

Editor’s Notes:

[1] The myth usually goes that God instructed Adam, although Eve was definitely aware of the command.

If you like the story, please like, comment, and above all, rate it on NovelUpdates!

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 5

November 11, 2021November 18, 2021 · 5 Comments ·

To the readers. This story can be crude, intense, and quite offensive to the deeply religious.

“Wha-, what are you doing!”

A rustic lounge, with a small bed and a table, and a wall-mounted TV attached to the room divider. There, I was forcibly laid on the bed, and my limbs bound.

The man who was watching the scene calmly looked down at me with indifferent eyes, and murmured.

“You really seem unaware.”

“This looks like an unusual possession case, Father Sung.”

“If evil had really surfaced above the consciousness, he would not have drunk the holy water in the first place.”

The two men took off their black robe-like coats and put them, folded, to one side. Underneath they were wearing black vestments that you could only see in a church.

It was then that I guessed what was happening, even with me heavy and tired head. Did these people think that I was a madman possessed by a ghost, so they captured me?

“No! Wait! I think you’ve misunderstood something, but I…”

“Is that so? Johann, do you think we’ve misunderstood?”

“No, Father Sung.”

“Then let us tell him why not.”

Johann quietly turned on the wall-mounted TV and tuned to the news channel. The 8 pm evening news was running, and the news anchor was announcing the breaking news first.

– 8 o’clock breaking news. In XX neighbourhood, XX district^[1], Seoul, another serial murder, presumed to be the work of the same criminal, has occurred again.

– The first murder case was the employees of the service company A, Mr. Baek, Mr. Kim, Mr. Lee and Mr. Kim. However, the crimes did not stop there, and a day later, the president of the service company A was also found dead, and the police assumed that it was the same criminal.

– With a total of 12 deaths so far, the police authorities have announced that an intense wide-area investigation is underway, but most of the crime sites are either out of CCTV coverage or had electronic malfunctions at the time of crime, so the investigation is mired in difficulties.

“Now do you remember?”

“No… what the hell does this have to do with me?”

“You still don’t remember, or are you just pretending not to know?”

Not caring about the priest running his mouth, I kept watching the news with my eyes wide open.

The head of the metropolitan detective department came out and was explaining about the recent serial murders that had taken place in Seoul.

There were many points of commonality, such as the means of killing, the correlation between the victims’ identities, the time of the crime and a quiet place, so they were convinced that it was the same criminal.

On top of expressing a strong determination to catch the criminal without fail by mobilizing the full strength of the police force, he also urged the citizens of Seoul not to wander around alone at night as much as possible.

‘That’s why there weren’t many people on the street even though it was evening.’

Normally, people who enjoy drinking would have been sitting at the bar sipping cocktails since early evening, but it was understandable that there were only two people here.

Even so, how did you anticipate me coming here? How did you know that I had anything to do with this case? And how did you catch me?

In the first place –

I’m feeling so great, so why are you looking at me like that?

“Johann, start.”

“Yes.”

Johann took out a camcorder and a folding tripod from his heavy office bag, put it to one side of the room and started recording.

And on the table, strange tools, a cross, and a bible caught my eye.

“No wait, really, there’s nothing…”

“Our Lord and Father in Heaven, please help this lowly servant to rescue this stray lamb from evil. Please forgive the sins of this poor little lamb, light up this darkness with Your splendid brilliance, and punish this evil with Your omnipotent power that none may resist. Amen.”

The priest, who didn’t listen to me and began to pray freely, drew shapes with his fingers on his forehead and chest.

Please, listen to me! Why is no one listening to me!

Why are you ignoring me and persecuting me? What did I do so wrong? Why did I become an orphan? Even as an adult, when everyone else is having fun as they like, my only sin is working diligently!

But why is everyone ignoring my words and blaspheming even my character?!

“Respect me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Pajik! Pajijijijig!

The wall-mounted TV turned off, and the lights in the lounge started flickering.

The young man named Johann was startled for a moment, but he didn’t care too much, and started pouring clear water from a large glass bottle into a small iron bowl.

Father Sung put the cross on his forehead and whispered so softly that I could not hear him. It seemed like he was blatantly ignoring me, so I got even more angry.

What should I do with this uncontrollable anger?

Pour it out.

Don’t hold it in.

“Deliver me from evil.”

Chwaag!

After finishing his prayer, the priest scooped out a little water from the iron bowl with a small ladle and sprinkled it on me. Stinging pain and heat exploded through my skin as if salt water was being poured on raw flesh.

“Uhhhhhh!”

“Crawl out on your own before the great God, and ask for forgiveness.”

Chwaag!

“Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Dukdukdukduk!

I desperately tried to free myself, but all I could manage was to rattle the bed. And even the bed wouldn’t have shaken so much if it was a Simmons’, which advertises an unshakable comfort.

Rather, why am I in a place like this with my limbs bound, and being sprayed with a strange clear liquid? Is this hydrochloric acid?

The priest stopped attacking me with hydrochloric acid, and quietly approached to whisper.

“At 7:21 pm at XX Hophouse, you used abrupt violence against two employees of a service company who were having an argument with the owner, and fled the scene. All four in the group went out to pursue you, and the next day, they were found dead in a sparsely populated area.”

“Is that… rather, I was the one beaten black and blue?”

“You remember it, but you still don’t realize it. If you had been unilaterally beaten by those four, would you have been able to come to this bar so casually today?”

I understood what he meant. If I had been caught and beaten up by those guys, even if I didn’t end up dead in a ditch, I should have at least had to go to the hospital. At least, to get better, it would have taken several months.

But that doesn’t make any sense either. I’m an ordinary person, weaker than them, and I don’t have the strength to turn them into dead meat without any damage in return.

I’m a pathetic animal that can’t even kill the mosquitoes bothering him in the early autumn, let alone commit serial murders.

“What day of what month is today? Do you know?”

“… I haven’t checked the date.”

“Today is September 22.”

Hearing that answer, my memories flashed back to the past like a whirlwind.

I woke up at 9:09 on the 9th of September and went out to the grocery store, lamenting about my circumstances.

I bought petty indulgences worth 36,200 won and went home to eat dinner.

As I was walking past the school and by the church, I heard a strange laughter and stopped walking.

At that moment, a huge pillar fell in front of me. A metal crucifix, fallen in reverse, heavy enough to pound a hole into the asphalt was facing me.

And I saw something beyond the sparks on the church steeple that flashed like lightning.

It was very small, black like the darkest night, covered by a hazy fog that spanned beyond sight…

“Ah.”

–

Kill him.

Don’t hold back your anger.

They all deserve to die.

They insult you and do not hesitate to persecute you.

Tear their flesh and bathe in their fresh blood. Make an altar by pulling out their bones and stacking their skins like rags.

–

I am the darkness inside you – the independent being whose domain is the absolute will that is forever immortal.

–

I am here, because you are there.

You are there, because I am here.

–

Show your anger.

Fight and win with pride.

Prove that you are not inferior to them.

Crush these lesser tribes, stand atop them, and praise me.

–

I…..

“Twelve people.”

As I had expected, the four rice sticks had been the employees of a service company, which was affiliated with a subcontractor of a large corporation that was trying to redevelop the mall.

I returned home covered in blood, washed myself and fell asleep. After waking up, I ordered some food delivered and then went out again.

I just moved.

I couldn’t hold back my anger, so I couldn’t tolerate seeing the behaviour of those who persecuted innocents for money, and tormented others to appease the elites.

So, I moved. As if… possessed by something.

I infiltrated the company using ID cards stolen from those service workers, and found the president.

I beat him to death too, and quietly left the company. And again, I washed off the blood that covered me once I got home, and then I fell asleep.

The next day, it was the chief of the police who had taken money under the table from the president and closed his eyes to the situation at the mall.

That guy went to a salon, got drunk and was stumbling back home alone, so I attacked him and beat him to death.

When I got home, I wiped the blood off my hands and went to sleep. My beard grew quite a bit, but I didn’t shave.

The next day, it was a reporter who wrote a false news article paid for by that large corporation, telling the public that the pub used cheap Chinese ingredients, and the boss had poor hygiene.

Likewise, I attacked the guy who was returning after receiving lavish hospitality from somewhere, and beat him to death. When I got home again, I did what I had to do and fell asleep.

The next day, the next, the next, the next, and the next.

They were all bad guys who took dirty money and did dirty things, or made innocent people drown in the bitter wine of pain and despair.

I did not hesitate, because I understood more deeply than anyone else the pain of those who had suffered, and I knew what they were feeling without even needing to ask.

Strangely, wherever I went, the CCTV broke down, the locked door opened on its own, or the person who was running away fell and broke his leg.

I believed these to be opportunities granted by Heaven.

Because I wasn’t the one in the wrong.

Whenever I go to a place led by that laughter, there is always a lot of garbage that I have to deal with.

Like a buffet where I can eat whatever I choose without any fuss to relieve stress.

There was only one choice, so I just chose and walked on the only path.

“In the name of our Lord and Father who art in Heaven, I command you, say your name!”

“Then what will change?”

“You will have an opportunity to confess your sins and repent.”

“That’s not an opportunity. That’s just compulsion.”

“Distance yourself from the evil that dwells within you and see the world with clear eyes. The Father illuminates all things with light and loves without discrimination, so you too can feel His love.”

“Illuminates everything with light and loves without discrimination? To me, it’s just some old greenhouse where only a small percentage of plants is allowed safe photosynthesis. Some great being doesn’t take good care of it, so it’s infested with pests and weeds, rain and wind and snow seep in, but He doesn’t care. Even at this moment, the greenhouse roof is torn and the soil is getting filthy.”

“Therefore, at the end of days, you must stand before Him, have your sins forgiven, and go to Heaven where He resides. Otherwise, sinners will suffer in purgatory and burn in Hell, eventually forgetting even their own existence in the abyss. Even so, why would you still walk the path of a sinner?”

… Wow.

“Why would I walk the path of a sinner? Didn’t the handsome Lord Jesus and the Father teach you even such a simple thing? No one wants to walk the path of a sinner! No one ever wants to walk the path of a sinner! Because it is the only road that unfolds before their eyes, it is the only path that they can walk desperately in order to live. Because it’s the only way they have!”

“Not all weak and imperilled walk the path of sinners.”

“But there is no fair way for everyone. If you love all things equally, why don’t you offer an equal way? He respects human free will, but the paths we see are all so narrow. Are you saying that I will be punished because I risked walking such a path just to stay alive?!”

“All suffering and adversity, happiness and unhappiness, and even the destiny of all things, were created by God’s plan. It is a purely personal will and choice to decide whether to sin and deny Him, or to do good and follow His will.”

“What a clever plan! Is it God’s plan for innocent humans to die in such a miserable way, and God’s plan for the sinners to close their eyes comfortably without ever being punished? Or maybe it’s just making fun of the victims, saying that if they survived it was God’s plan, and it was God’s will if they die of ill-fortune!”

Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus Heaven Unbelief Hell Jesus unbelief hell jesus heaven unbelief hell jesus heaven unbelief hell jesus heaven unbelief hell jesus heaven unbelief hell jesus heaven unbelief hell jesus heaven unbelief hell

“Heaven for believers and Hell for unbelievers! If there had been no Hell, evil, or sin, there would have been no confusion and injustice in the first place!”

You say that there are many options, and it is purely up to the individual to choose.

But in reality, there are only two outcomes we face. Jesus = Heaven, Unbelief = Hell.

Even if you see many different paths.

But when you start walking, there are only two outcomes.

So how about this other path?

Likewise, only two results.

Why not one, not three, but only two?

Why is the freedom of choice of a human, whose right to free will is so respected by the great being, ultimately so narrow?

“The beautiful God wants a faithful believer who believes in Him and does only good, but at the same time wants a contradictory existence with free will that He doesn’t know where will go!”

I cried out, desperately trying to stand up, forgetting that my limbs were bound. It felt like the blood vessels all over my body were swelling up.

“Don’t oppress people with a nonsensical excuse like respecting their free will! The freedom of sinners is the freedom to be repressed, and the freedom of good men is merely freedom to follow a set path! You dare discuss freedom?!”

My confused mind was becoming refreshed once more.

As if the clouds clearing up to reveal a fair autumn sky.

My real anger was not because I had to endure always being ‘oppressed’ by various factors.

My anger was aimed at something more fundamental, and I was just angry at the fact that I had to put up with it.

Padudududuk, jjiiiiig!

I tore off the fabric that bound my limbs and stood up, proudly.

I felt no more reaction to the clear liquid that was being sprinkled on me, or the cross they had touched my skin with. Because I was not of the ‘evil’ and ‘sin’ those things defined.

I was just… me.

“If the Lord Above wants mechanical fanatics with their free wills castrated, I’ll help.”

I picked up the Bible lying ready on the table.

“I will send even the last person to Heaven. I will preach to all sinners in the world the solemn meaning of Jesus’ Heaven and Unbelievers’ Hell.”

I left the lounge without even looking back at the two who had become stiff as stone statues, only leaving a final word.

“But leave me out of that disgusting skit.”

Watching everyone ascend to Heaven, I will proudly walk into Hell.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] Seoul is divided into districts (구/gu) and each district is divided into neighbourhoods (동/dong).

We finally reached the title drop! Did you find it fun so far? Also, Representative Han is pretty crazy, huh. (That’s the name he’ll carry on with in the story, by the way. The Korean word can mean representative or deputy, and yes, others who dabble in the occult will have a hard time guessing what he might represent or be the deputy of.) We’ll see more of that throughout the story.

This webnovel is not within several standard deviations of your average KR fare, but it’s still pretty popular, so let’s hope the readers here find it just as fun, despite the limitations of the translation.

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 4

November 10, 2021November 11, 2021 · 2 Comments ·

To the readers. This story can be crude, intense, and quite offensive to the deeply religious.

When I woke, it was with a strange feeling of liberation, as if I had finally crawled out of a deep swamp. I was lying in my own prison-like room as usual.

All that alcohol had left a tingling sensation all the way to the inside of my neck. As I got up, I noticed my smartphone lying on the floor.

The LCD screen was cracked halfway through, so I did feel a flash of regret, but that went away quickly. What’s the big deal about cracking your smartphone screen?

However, when I habitually pressed the touchpad, it didn’t turn on, leaving me a bit embarrassed. Then I found that the battery was dead, so I had been worrying for nothing.

Anyway, alcohol had become somewhat of a problem of mine. Be it a dinner party or a reception, I used to always be the one to take care of the others until the very end, but lately, my frequency of getting drunk seemed to have increased a bit.

I had nothing other than myself to take care of, and there was enough in the bank to play around like a beast for a year or two. So, drinking like an unbridled foal was a natural result.

“Ugh… I can’t even remember how much I drank yesterday.”

Did I hit five mugs of draft beer at my usual pub? Or did hit somebody with a beer mug?

My memories felt like threads tangled up into a skein. Just trying to remember threatened to trigger another headache, so I shook my head lightly.

I hadn’t checked the time yet, but judging by the red sunset outside, it should have been somewhere between 5 and 6 pm.

The daily routine of eating, drinking and waking up the evening without knowing when you’ll be leaving the world behind. It’s like a paradise that an ordinary member of society could never dream of.

I decided to have a bit of alcohol with some soup^[1] to get my neck sorted out. But the moment I opened the refrigerator to grab some ramen, I had to pinch my nose at the overwhelming stench that billowed out.

“Kahah! Cough! Kuhk!”

For a moment, it reminded me of my first CBRN^[2] training in the army, and I turned my head to retch.

My body felt devoid of moisture like the dry cracked ground during a drought, so I expected not a single drop to come out, not even tear or snot, but somehow, a lot poured out.

“Fuck, really…what the hell.”

Holding my nose, I looked into the stinky refrigerator and found that all the food inside was badly packaged and rotten.

If you looked at the chicken, only a few pieces of leg or lean meat had been gnawed, with the rest left around haphazardly. The kimchi pot had its lid open. Leftover convenience store kimbap, bread, and mouldy milk completed the collection.

“Oh, man, fuck. I was really three sheets to the wind, huh?”

The sequence of events was obvious from just one look. I, dead drunk, had stopped by on my way home to buy a bunch of snacks, ate some when I got home, and then threw the rest into the refrigerator without tidying up.

I picked up a bottle of water that looked okay, and slammed the refrigerator door. I’d have to pack it all into a garbage bag later to throw away.

“Gulp, gulp… Whoa!”

How could chilled plain water from a bottle taste so sweet?

Like a man who found an oasis while trudging through the heart of a desert, I frantically guzzled down all the water in the 1.5-litre bottle in one shot.

It was true what they said, if you have salty food with alcohol before sleeping, your body will get very dehydrated.

However, just one 1.5-litre bottle of water was not enough, so I grabbed another bottle of lukewarm water from a pile of boxes at the corner of my living room. I ordered large quantities of bottled water each month, so those boxes kept piling up in the house.

“Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.”

Another bottle of mineral water was emptied without hesitation, and then I could finally feel my thirst quench a little.

As I got my fill, the fatigue disappeared as if all the water had washed it away. I went straight to the bathroom and stood in front of the sink.

As expected, my recent lifestyle, which had resembled an animal for the past few days, was objectively unreasonable.

The hair, which used to be neatly organized like an office worker, turned into a messy mop, and since I hadn’t shaved, the beard was sparsely forming the shape of a black forest.

Even if I didn’t feel tired anymore, dark circles had formed like flowing water under my eyes. The hazy irises were so empty that even if you looked closely, you couldn’t feel much of a sign of life.

“When you play, even if you’re having fun, you have to do it like a human…”

To refresh my mind, I rinsed my body with cold water, starting from the head.

Finally, after I finished shaving and saw my clean face again in the mirror, I still felt uncomfortable because my eyes still didn’t seem clear enough.

Maybe it’s time for some eye drops?

By the time I finished grooming, it was sunset and night was already falling. At this kind of time ramen with alcohol seemed too plain, so I prepared to go out.

‘A glass of soju with some hot soup? Or maybe some Chinese bamboo shoots?’

A chilly autumn wind blew as I left the house, thinking that anything would be better than seafood ramen cooked by a single man.

It is said that in autumn, even those who hate the animal called a man become romantics, and I walked down the street enjoying the autumn wind that fluttered along my thin jacket.

As it is, you can take a city bus to the downtown area, or take the subway to visit restaurants that open in the evening.

Or do you want to pretend being crazy and have fun running today?

I had been looking for a light drink over hot food when I left the house, but the chilly night wind outside changed my mind.

It’s not like my mood is fickle like a reed blowing in the wind, I just thought I might have trouble controlling my excitement, and my recent animalistic habits weren’t encouraging.

In the end, the place I ended up at was an underground bar in a certain shopping mall, that only people in the know were familiar with.

It was one of the secondary places that I’d carefully researched and selected, for hosting high-ranking people who preferred drinking in quiet luxury.

The popular image of a cocktail bar is a place with a strange atmosphere, where young men and women hunt for companionship while sipping colourful cocktails. But in reality, the more hidden the bar, the fewer you’d see such customers.

This bar had a first-class ambience, with a quiet and calming air, lit softly, playing mellow tunes. A place devoted to mental and physical peace.

To describe it in a good way, it was an adult cafe (selling alcohol) for those with a predilection for luxury, and to say it in a bad way, it was a bar full of bastards who liked the gloomy atmosphere.

As I went down the stairs to the underground shopping and opened the bar door, I was greeted by its usual unique atmosphere.

However, unlike the usual, there were very few customers. At most, only a couple of men in black, sitting on the bar stools in front of the bartender.

I couldn’t just turn back and leave, so I simply sat down at a reasonable distance and called the bartender.

“A mojito and something light to go with that, please.”

The bartender, who’d been cleaning the glass, approached me with a stiff face and glanced at the two men sitting at the other side.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m not a guy who’d complain about the taste of alcohol just because someone eats something at the same bar.”

Oh, was the bartender asking for pardon because the other guests might get disturbed if they smelled the food? It was my fault for not apologizing in the first place.

Belatedly realizing my disrespect, I also bowed my head towards the two.

The older man, probably in his fifties and wearing thin-rimmed glasses, looked at me, then turned back to the young man sitting next to him.

Did I wait like that for ten or so minutes?

A glass of mojito was served in front of me, along with a typical Western meal of browned toast, eggs and bacon.

As I gobbled up the meal with the speed of a crab closing its eyes in the south wind^[3], I tasted the refreshing and bittersweet mojito.

As I wet my tongue with the mojito, which was slightly sweet but still had the unique taste of alcohol, I slowly began to drink in earnest.

By the time I was about to call the bartender to try a Black Russian, which can be called a proper drink for adults, I was feeling something boiling inside.

Was it just because of suddenly gorging on oily food and alcohol on an empty stomach? I wasn’t raised that weak, though.

“A Black Russian.”

With a simple recipe made up of only vodka and kahlua, this cocktail boasted a much more intense and intuitive taste.

As it did not contain any milk, tonic water or juice, it was said to be perfect for people who enjoy a strong and deep taste, instead of softness.

The gentleman who used to drink this knew much more about cocktails than me, so even though I didn’t really want to listen, I still picked up many scraps of knowledge from him while drinking together. This was one I remembered.

The bartender approached me again with a hardened face and looked at the other customers once more, placing the cocktail in front of me.

“The Black Russian you ordered.”

The black cocktail served with ice in a wide and squat rocks glass seemed to tempt one into drinking.

Alcohol cannot be the answer to life, but it can be a shelter.

I used to see those souses who drank without thinking as fools who abused their future and their livers just to enjoy some fleeting pleasure, but in reality, there’s nothing better than this.

Drinking makes you happy, so why abstain? That’s just stupid.

“Gulp, gulp. Whoa!”

I, who wasn’t the crazy one here, finished the Black Russian in two sips. Immediately I had to let out a hot breath as I felt the bubbling inside me.

My throat was tingling and my stomach was burning, so the heat didn’t go away, but at the same time, I felt like I was floating with a tingling sensation all over my skin.

Hot. Hot. So hot that I think I might burn up.

“Okay, uhhhh… umm?!”

“You held up for quite a while.”

I turned my head in amazement at the same gentlemanly, British voice which I had heard earlier.

At some point, the two men in black had moved to stand behind me, side by side, looking down at me.

“This… what?”

“Amazing. Normally the demon-possessed^[4] avoid any food or drink with even a little bit of holy water mixed in, but you drank two full glasses. Are you not aware of yourself?”

“What kind of bullshit… uh, huh!”

“Aren’t you feeling like you want to empty out everything you’ve got inside right now? Or do you want to rip off the clothes you’re wearing?”

“Oohhhooohhh…”

“Master, could I borrow your break room?”

“Of course, Father. There’s a lounge for just the regulars inside. Please use it.”

Why is the bartender talking to them so naturally as if they’re well-acquainted? Is this guy a priest? Why are they looking for the break room? Maybe they’re perverts who prefer taking it in the ass?

“Let’s take him, Johann.”

“Yes.”

The young man named Johann draped some kind of pale violet or purple cloth over my body and started dragging me away.

With a flash of anger, I tried to put some strength into my fists, but my arms drooped down like a puppet with its strings broken.

Seeing me grunt as I was being dragged, the older heavyset man grabbed my head and pressed it down.

To my surprise, my head easily lolled downwards.

“Don’t struggle in vain.”

Editor’s Notes:

[1] 해장 is the habit of drinking a little alcohol with soup before breakfast to get over hangover.

[2] CBRN = Chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear

[3] 마파람에 게눈 감추듯 (lit. crab’s eye closing in the south wind) is a proverb for eating food very quickly. See the context.

[4] 부마자 means possessed by a demon, needing to be exorcised.

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 3

November 9, 2021November 11, 2021 · 1 Comment ·

To the readers. This story can be crude, intense, and quite offensive to the deeply religious.

The wet-behind-the-ears kids that quit schools and the members of society that quit companies have something in common, they feel a great catharsis for a short period of time.

I did my best to enjoy that brief freedom, knowing it was a happiness that wouldn’t last long.

I went to the Han River and carelessly enjoyed the subtle sunlight of early autumn with some street food.

Even when the sky that was originally supposed to be blue, which was characteristic of autumn, turned yellow due to the excess of fine dust in the air, I moved without rest. I directed my body with a singular determination to enjoy everything I had never enjoyed before.

Next there, then somewhere else; I was already in my 30s, yet I wandered around as if I had returned to being a college freshman in my early 20s.

It’s basic to go to a coin-operated karaoke room and sing passionate songs that don’t work with one person, and then to a manga cafe that was already halfway unfashionable, to read old manga while inhaling some pork noodles.

Even after all that, there was still time left, so before the time came for office workers to leave work, I was moving to a pub.

It was a little early, but I was thinking of getting a cold draft beer plus some crispy and soft fried chicken. And I planned to wash away the hardships of the day by watching sports broadcasts on the TV hanging on the pub’s wall.

For those who are a bit addicted to alcohol, often the last stop would be a pub or a food stall after their second and third rounds.

My taste is always to drink in moderation, but when I entertained myself, I matched the drunkenness of drunkards with professionalism, tenacity, and a little craft.

Thanks to this, the owner of the pub, whom I’d gotten acquainted with, did not give me much of a glance even though I entered rather early in the evening.

Rather, he asked me a question as if it was strange seeing me not wearing a suit as usual, nor coming in with someone shoulder to shoulder.

“Representative Han, why are you all alone today? Judging by your outfit, it looks like you’ve been on vacation?”

“I quit my job. It’ll be difficult for me to raise your sales from now on.”

“Hey man, when did I discriminate against customers who didn’t raise my sales? It’s not a big deal, this is just a small local business anyway. But why did you suddenly quit your job?”

“There were people trying to save the company and there were people trying to destroy it, the second ones got me.”

“Ttttttt, that’s why you shouldn’t work under idiot superiors. I don’t know how great it would be to have someone like Representative Han working under me…”

“Even if you flatter me like that, I won’t work here.”

“You got me!”

At my joking reply, the pub owner grinned and patted his forehead.

On the outside, he looked like a sleazy neighbourhood guy, but he was actually a great master, a former hotel chef.

It was said that he got blacklisted in the industry after hitting a sous chef because he could not stand the culture and all the absurdities happening in the kitchen. So, instead of becoming a famous artisan chef, he used his know-how to open a pub.

Thanks to this, there were quite a few customers who came to enjoy the fantastic chicken and various side dishes made by a veritable master along with alcohol.

I was also familiar with the rumours about this place, so I used to use it as a place for entertainment and the last stop for my bar-hopping.

“This isn’t the same as usual?”

“You came alone this time, so I’ll just give you half. This beer is straight from the keg, pressed tight.”

“Who cares how tight it is? I’m going to make do with this until I’m ready for more.”

The boss indifferently placed the plate of snacks he’d brought with him in front of me.

It was not wrong to say that he had devoted himself to developing more and more appetizing snacks, so that customers would have no choice but to order more alcohol.

The surface of the small peanuts coated with sweet caramel was lightly sprinkled with a mildly salty secret recipe. Koreans who are obsessed with the balance of sweet and salt go crazy once they taste it.

Next to the peanuts, there was a biscuit that had little taste or smell but had a good crunchy texture, and small pieces of jerky were scattered around as if to decorate it.

This jerky was also made by the boss himself, so it was well-received among customers. After all, someone who has learned something professionally has the ability to make even the smallest things great.

If my life had indeed been sculpted by someone’s hand, that person must not have had a professional education in how to create a life.

“Here it is, your salt and savour with chicken, and draft beer.”

“I’ve always wondered, don’t you plan on changing the name of the menu?”

What is salt and savour with chicken, anyhow?

“It’s salty fried chicken with special mayo sauce, so it’s salt and savour with chicken!”

“At least call it salty mayo chicken!”

He’s an uncle with no naming sense, I guess.

Even though the name of the dish was a confused mess, I quickly poked the steaming chicken with a fork. Freshly fried boneless chicken invaded the mouth first, followed by the crunchy taste of radish.

I thought that pouring cool draft beer into my oily mouth would make my mind go numb, so without realizing it, I tightened my lower body.

Whenever I felt a touch of monotony, I just put the tender lean chicken meat along with the mayo sauce on top of a biscuit and gulped it down like a canape.

“Why do you look like you’ve been starving for three days? As if you’re lucky to have finally gotten something to eat.”

“Because I’m the type to relieve stress by eating and sleeping.”

On the other hand, there were no twists and turns in my life other than eating and sleeping.

Let’s get through the day well, let’s get through tomorrow the same way too. For now, let’s just eat, drink and sleep!

After attending a mental hospital for 3 years, I was already stuck into this bad lifestyle that couldn’t be fixed anymore, so I just got used to it.

“Those fucking bastards. It’s like they were excited to lose. The whole team struck out.”

“Hanwha^[1] fans are already used to it, it’s not like this has been going on for just a day or two.”

“I wish they could win once or twice for the fans, even if it’s only for a day or two.”

As the boss said that, he was busy preparing for the rush of dinner time guests.

There are a lot of loyal customers in the neighbourhood who frequent here for their pub hops, so when this time comes, the seats start to fill up in earnest. I planned to eat and drink in moderation and then leave the seat free for the next guest.

At that time, a few men shoved through the door to come in. Because of that, the bell hanging on the door rang loudly, making the guests frown.

However, the men gave an impression as if they were the ones being bothered, and sat themselves around the widest six-seater table. There were only four people in the group.

“Hey, bossman. Two of your best dishes and four 500 draft beers.”

“… What do you think you’re doing in someone else’s shop?”

The boss rushed out, leaving the still frying chicken behind. He did look the part of the rumoured man who had beaten up a sous chef in that bloody hotel kitchen.

The newcomers all looked thick and wide like rice sticks, as if they’d lived all their lives eating rice balls. To say it in a good way, they looked like blue collar workers, and if you say it in a bad way, they looked like gangsters.

Unsurprisingly, as soon as the boss got bothered by their behaviour as they had wanted, the men started to clamour and make a fuss.

“Isn’t this a fucking business place? How could a boss treat his customers like this? When a customer comes in, you have to run to them, take their order, and bring them food!”

“Damn, you think it’s so easy to take other people’s money? You should have a conscience!”

“No, but is this gentleman deaf? Two of your best dishes and four 500 draft beers!!”

“Ttttttt, it’s not just that the boss doesn’t have a good personality, even the food here doesn’t look any good. What are you still standing around for? If you want to earn a penny, you have to treat your guests quickly!”

It was a very blatant, boring, and banal obstruction of business.

It’s a wonder that there were still bastards like these who openly obstructed businesses this way, because usually you could only see this kind of thing in out-of-date movies or dramas.

In the past, these rice stick types did take over stores and obstruct businesses like this, harming the owners. But now the laws have changed, and as long as you actively report them, the police take care of these cases.

However, the boss didn’t look like he was about to report the situation to the police. Instead, he was clenching his fists and shaking. Like I always did.

That’s not a situation when you’re just a moment away from erupting in anger, it’s when you’re forcing yourself to hold it back.

“No, fuck, did we ever smash this place or something? Or aren’t you taking any more customers? Just get us some draft beer with that fresh-looking chicken!”

“If it’s a crime to make some noise in a place of business, you’ll have to arrest all the people here for talking. So, you going to report us? Haha!”

“No, if you want to take it outside like a man and have a more direct conversation, we won’t stop you, but that’s not what we came here for.”

“That’s right. We’re just customers! Wouldn’t the boss have some bad odds if he did try it, though?”

The prologue wasn’t interesting, so I thought this business disruption episode was going to be a chaotic mess^[2], but they were pretty good.

From their provocative behaviour, to the speech and tone that subtly offended people, yet never actually crossed the line of the law. Even if you call the police, things will only end with a simple warning.

‘Even if the law changes, these assholes will never change.’

I was almost done with the chicken, so I got up from my seat. I wanted to go home enjoying this restful feeling. A problem this small wouldn’t make the boss go on a killing spree.

I picked up an empty, very thick, very hard beer mug on my way towards the entrance.

Then, as I was passing by, I slugged one of the four on the back of his head, knocking him down, and then followed that up with a kick to the chest to another one sitting on the other side who was about to get up.

Then I rushed out of the pub and ran like crazy.

At least I’ve tied their feet up, so it’ll probably only be two out of the four chasing after me.

“Hey, you bastard!”

“Stay right there, you fucker!”

“If I catch you, you’re dead!”

“Catch that bastard! Catch him and kill him!!”

Apparently, the world doesn’t turn as easily as I thought it does.

I thought that the surprise attack went well, but surprisingly, all four of them ran out of the store and started chasing me.

I couldn’t go home like this, so I circled around the way. Crawling into narrow alleys, jumping over a wall high above my head, I desperately escaped their pursuit.

However, due to the difference in basic physical strength compared to those rice sticks, I got caught eventually.

“You bastard piece of shit! Didn’t I tell you that if you get caught, you’re done?!”

Taking a deep breath, the rice stick that had grabbed me suddenly threw a fist towards me.

Thanks to what little fighting experience I had from my school days, I somehow avoided it, but I still got hit and flew away by the subsequent kick from another of the rice sticks.

And what followed was an indiscriminate beating by all four of the rice sticks. It was one-sided violence, perpetrated without any possibility of avoidance or cessation.

“Die, you bastard!”

“Why is the hell did you hit somebody’s head without any reason?!”

“Turn him into porridge! It’s all self-defence anyway!”

“Who the fuck did this bastard think he was?!”

A dickless shit.

A parentless wretch.

A bastard who suffered from impulsion disorder since childhood and always got into trouble.

A good-for-nothing who became a pushover as a member of society because of his status as an orphan and a member of the lower classes.

Even when that fucking dead-end manager^[3] insulted his family to his face, he couldn’t make a fist and came out after some tasteless words.

A high-end piece of shit who, for no good reason, butted heads with other customers at someone else’s business place, and then got chased out and beaten like a dog.

… Hahup.

The bizarre laughter that I heard amidst all the swearing and the beatings was definitely a chortle aimed at me.

How long are you going to live like that?

When you were a kid, did you fight believing that being a minor will shield you, and now that you’ve become an adult, did you suddenly turn into a coward?

There are people who curse your parents, who may have disappeared up to the sky or under the ground, but will you still just clench your fists every time?

Are you going to live out your whole life miserably, knowing what you are, believing that they are watching you still?

Wouldn’t it be better for the world if an asshole like you simply committed suicide? Lol!^[4]

Yes, assholes like me should commit suicide sooner rather than later. But before committing suicide, wouldn’t it be alright to make sure these shits accompany me?

“Iiiiiiii!”

I voiced a wordless scream and ran at them, clenching my fists, heedless of the sound of snapping bones.

Blood seeped into my eye, and yet I rushed at them half-blind without regard. When a fist flew at me, I blocked it with my face, and I returned it with a fist of my own in the same way.

Then, when I was kicked again and fell down on the roadside, the stones rolling all around were strangely striking.

They were out of reach, but I still reached out my hand desperately.

Then, a distant stone rolled over on its own and caught itself in my hand.

Gripping the stone, I once again swung at the rushing bastards. For the first time, I heard the sound of something breaking from somebody other than myself.

What fun!

I am so happy that this misfortune, this pain, and this desperation are not solely mine, but apply to others as well!

Yes, you should know this too. You need to get an idea of how I feel about living this fucking life.

There is some idiom, that says to put yourself in someone else’s shoes^[5], right? Let’s switch positions and try it once!

Puk! Puk! Puk! Puk!

“Uhhh… someone… get this bastard…”

Smash, crush, slap, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush.

Even when there was nothing left to break, I just kept swinging the stone frantically. Finally, when the stone couldn’t stand it and broke, I swung my fist with its broken finger bones.

How much time did pass?

I, who had imparted the same fate of becoming porridge to the four rice sticks which they had wanted to do to me, stood firm.

I, who had never been the ultimate victor in anything, trembled at the overflowing exaltation and pleasure.

I’ve never done drugs before, but maybe this is how that feels?

The blood and flesh scattered on the street smells even fresher than the bathroom air freshener.

I am grateful to be alive right now, for the first time in my life!

… Hahup.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] Hanwha Eagles are a professional baseball club in South Korea, part of the KBO League.

[2] 중구난방 meaning you cannot block the mouths of a crowd, everybody have their own opinion, they do not cohere, etc. See Namu Wiki.

[3] 만년과장 (lit. thousand-year manager) meaning he hasn’t been promoted in forever.

[4] 깔깔깔 has this kind of meaning, basically laughing out loud.

[5] 역지사지 is the Korean saying.

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 2

October 13, 2021November 9, 2021 · 5 Comments ·

To the readers. This story can be crude, intense, and quite offensive to the deeply religious.

*Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – New Cover*

When I opened my eyes, my lips felt dry and my throat hoarse.

The room was dark with the lights off and the window blinds down. I fumbled around to find my smartphone and habitually unlocked the screen.

– 329 unread KakaoTalk messages

– 26 unread texts

– 21 missed calls

Come to think of it, when I resigned today, I threw away everything I was in charge of and left.

However, nobody told me to arrange for any work transition, and even if I’d honestly intended to train a replacement before leaving, the company would have rejected it first.

So, even if the customers complain, it’s not my fault.

The high-ranking customers I was working with (for sales) must have been angry because the person in charge changed suddenly and everything had gone wrong.

There was no one who worked overtime as I did, along with handling the hospitality with the clients, so the company would have simply turned upside down in one day.

It’s enough to just enjoy life as an unemployed for a while anticipating the severance pay and final salary that will soon arrive.

Only after lighting up the dark room with a lamp did the scabs on my palm catch my eye. Because I always clenched my fists whenever I was angry, the wounds left by the dug in nails never fully healed.

After washing my hands roughly in the sink, I took out a sterilized bandage from the first aid kit and wrapped it around the cuts. It’s such a familiar routine that even if I might not have ramen at home, I always keep a sterilized bandage ready.

“Oh, there is no ramen…”

I’d been starving for two days, and my belly was screaming for some food, so I thought I should eat first, but when I opened the cupboard, there was nothing useful.

There was some canned tuna and canola oil that the company gave us every holiday, but nothing that could fill my stomach. There wasn’t even any instant rice.

Recently all I did after returning home was wash and sleep, so I hadn’t shopped for some time.

9:09 p.m. on September 9, 2025, when the sweltering heat of August has passed and autumn has begun. Curiously noting the strange date and time, I grabbed my wallet.

For a long time since I was eight, I never had much money, so even when I do have cash on hand, I can’t splurge properly.

When I was in school, I kept what little pocket money I got from my relatives in my personal account, and I also saved the money I earned from working part-time.

The money in my bank account seldom dwindled, except when I was spending the least amount possible on my living expenses.

That strange habit did not change even after becoming a productive member of society, so I’ve saved quite a bit of money for a third-year employee.

Because I live in a youth rental housing provided by the government rather than a private place with expensive monthly rent, there is also the benefit of relatively low fixed expenses.

‘I’m taking a break from work, so should I spend some money?’

The only thing I could call a hobby was playing games on the computer. Even that was a just a way to efficiently kill time on the occasional holiday.

At least fishing and golf, which I learned separately for hospitality as somebody in sales, are perfect for hobbies for an adult male… but there is no one to enjoy them with. Above all, those were hobbies that were difficult to enjoy alone, because I did not have a car.

There’s nothing really happening in my life, and there’s nothing to do.

As I moved my feet, I arrived in front of a small to medium-sized mart near the residential area.

Because it was a little late at night, there were no housewives who came to the street market in the cold. Apparently the competition between the housewives is fierce because fresh vegetables and meat are always sold out during the early hours.

The liquor & snacks corner, located in the back of the mart, was left with only a sense of silence, waiting for a single man like me to visit, lamenting over its feelings.

I couldn’t pass it up, so I chose a bottle of soju to mix with a can of beer, and a spicy and salty jerky that was perfect for a snack. Salty fried peanuts were fine too, but their quantity was so small that my liver wouldn’t even notice it.

Next, I went to the snack corner, which was naturally positioned nearby, tossed some snacks like potato chips into the shopping cart, and walked a little further to sweep up some ramen and instant rice.

This natural course really felt like a red carpet for single men, and it was also a journey where you could see in real time the pitiful sight of a single man who didn’t take care of himself.

If I had been walking around this corner in the early evening, I would have received the pitying gazes of housewives, and if it had been in the morning, I would have received the stares of the staff cleaning up inventory.

Either way, at any time, a single man walking around a corner like this is never a good look.

But who cares?

These small indulgences are the most effective way to relieve the body’s cravings from overwork and stress.

It’s common for people like me to cook ramen late at night, drink alcohol, and laugh at the dark future.

Some say:

How about going to the gym, taking care of your health, and hanging out with other people? Of course, I did do that too.

The fact that my body hasn’t been damaged in the past 3 years of living like this is also because of my discipline. But now it doesn’t really matter.

It’s annoying to work like a machine and then get insulted, and I’m tired of being stressed out by working out like a machine. I quit the gym because I thought one machine-like routine would be enough.

“It’s 36,200 won.”

“By card. I don’t need a receipt.”

The card went through the reader, and the indulgences worth 36,200 won came completely into my hands.

Carrying that rather heavy plastic bag, I walked down the dark night street again.

The moment when I was about to pass by a school where someone’s youth would reside, and a quiet church where someone’s faith would sleep –

… Hahup.

“!”

I stopped at the faint sound of bizarre laughter coming from the street where there was no one but me. That was the moment.

As I turned my head, something heavy fell in front of me.

Kwaaaaang!

“……”

Less than 3 meters away, a large metal column towering over the asphalt road caught my eye.

It was a crucifix that had been atop the church steeple, but now it was pinned to the ground in reverse.

Even when a powerful typhoon in midsummer raged, even when an earthquake enough to shake the building occurred, the crucifix had stood firm, but now it fell in front of me without warning.

I carefully lifted my head and looked over the church steeple. The neon sign connected to the crucifix was broken, so papak! A few bouncing sparks caught my eye.

I caught sight of a little crow, although only for a brief moment, thanks to the sparks.

Eventually, as if the church’s ground-fault circuit interrupter had been activated, the sparks disappeared, and the crow was no longer in sight. As if there were never any black birds in the dark night at all.

“What bad luck…”

Although knowing I shouldn’t, I, as usual with my impulsive anger, kicked the crucifix with my feet.

Now that I’m out of the company, I’m going to live the life of a garbage for a while, so it should be fine to kick the cross that almost destroyed my whole body.

The pastor, who has to pray earlier in the morning than any other churchgoer, will cry when he sees the cross fallen backwards in front of the church. The cost of repairs is going to be high, and the church already doesn’t look very good.

The fact that the unhappiness that should have been entirely mine was transferred to someone else made me a little angry.

Up until now, I was always the only one who had to put up with all kinds of misfortune while simmering in my anger, but the world looks different now that I have escaped from the framework of society.

I don’t feel good.

Returning straight home from that street, I put some water in a pot and brewed soju.

I like to mix cold canned beer and soju in the right proportion in a large glass. Common people buy beer in bulk and drink in large pitchers like crazy, but I’ve always preferred moderation.

As if self-suggesting that there is no drinking habit more suitable for one’s proper life than this.

Boil the ramen in boiling water and place the frozen dumplings in the microwave. Then sit in the living room, set up a late dinner and drink.

Take a large bite of the squishy ramen, inhale it, and munch on the steaming dumplings. There is no better heaven than putting that rolled-up wheat in your mouth.

Yes, no matter how fucking crazy the world is, no matter how similar to hell, right here and now, this place is equivalent to the heaven that any fanatic so longs for.

Even though I was ridiculed that it was my choice to live this kind of life, I could confidently respond –

Don’t act so high-and-mighty if you haven’t given everyone a fair choice.

Losing my parents at the age of eight and moving from one relative’s house to another was not my choice.

It wasn’t my choice that those guys cursed my parents in front of me, so I had no choice but to punch them in return.

I was never in a position to make my own choices, rather I was a victim who was forced to make unreasonable choices every time and could only endure it.

How many hours did I spend enjoying my drink alone?

I hiccuped and returned to my room.

A desolate room with a crucifix hanging on it.

When the window blinds are lowered and the door is closed, it’s like a prison cell.

I stayed awake even after I lay back on the mattress. And as always, the cross hanging on the wall caught my eye.

Come to think of it, even the crucifix that used to stand tall on the church steeple fell, but it was no surprise that this small, clumsy crucifix was still hanging straight up.

So, I tossed my smartphone at the cross, dropping it. Oddly enough, the cross fell to the floor in reverse; but at least it was no longer visible unless I lifted my head very hard.

Then, I was able to get some good sleep.

Editor’s Notes:

None for this chapter.

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Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 1

October 7, 2021November 15, 2021 · 3 Comments ·

To the readers. This story can be crude, intense, and quite offensive to the deeply religious.

I’m hungry. I’m used to being hungry, so it doesn’t matter.

But I can’t stand being sleepy. Because I am an impatient man. Even if I skip dinner, I search the refrigerator at night. If I’m sleepy, I take a nap even during class. I’d hit even a rich department boss.

And most of all, what I can’t stand is…

“Representative Han, you fucking – !”

Chwaag!

A bunch of documents were now fluttering like cherry blossoms in my front, like the paper firecrackers that had popped on my first birthday.

“You are a fucking Representative, and you do your work like this?”

“I just followed the manual.”

“This fucking bastard is doing this again.”

The Department Manager who didn’t do his work properly, who ate when he was hungry, slept when he was sleepy, and carefully collected his paycheck, jumped up from his seat.

“I fucking told you just to guide him a bit and let the fucker do his job, did I tell you mother to do it yourself?”

“……”

“Fuck you, if you hadn’t tackled the project, the project wouldn’t have gone out of business! Which fucking Representative bastard sends a report directly to the General Manager, damn it!”

“It was a problematic project from the beginning. The source of the transaction’s funds is not clear and the financial statements…”

“Representative Han. Do you know how many months our team spent on that project? Or are all the cubs who grew up without parents so ignorant?”

“……”

“Thanks to our handsome Representative, the Team Leader collapsed from overwork. It would’ve been over after being reviewed by the General Manager and getting the final approval from the top, but you knocked all of it down!!!”

“If it had gone the way it was, the whole team would have been gone, not the project.”

“Hey, you’re really good at running your mouth. So what did you want to actually knock down? Our project? Or our team?”

“The project just needs to be thoroughly prepared from scratch.”

“You don’t even care about our team having to waste time and money there again? Hey, since when did one of our Representatives have so much leadership? You only need to trust one Representative and go! One Representative can make bitcoin go UUUUUUUUUP! !!!!!”^[1]

The ashtray that the Manager had thrown at me almost hit my forehead, but I avoided it by twisting my head slightly.

The ashtray barely flew past my temple, smashed into the office wall and shattered. The place was now cluttered with scattered cigarette butts, but the Manager didn’t seem to care.

“Because of you! If it wasn’t for you! Ugh fuck… that’s why I told the HR team that you have to filter out all the young shit-luck^[2] bastards from the beginning!”

“Isn’t it fortunate that that shit-luck project didn’t mess everything up?”

Slowly, something seemed to boil inside of me, so I threw out a few words so as not to cause a sudden outbreak.

I am a person who prefers to endure everything. However, there is a reason why I can’t put up with it even though I know I must in this kind of situation.

That’s right.

“Hey, are you crazy? Can’t you understand the situation now? I told you last time. Please don’t throw a tantrum here just because you haven’t been educated at home. If you haven’t learned the simple common sense that you shouldn’t talk back at your elders, keep your mouth shut! Why are you acting like you have to teach me? Can you? Are you my fucking tutor? Are you going to teach me how to shit and wipe my ass?!”

“I was the one who wiped your cheap shit, so why is the Manager angry?”

“… Hey, hey, hey, you have some backbone!”

After all, my heart twisted seeing him overacting while he couldn’t even bend his back properly because of that stomach bulging like a mound.

This is why I couldn’t stand it even if I want to. Because it was always like this.

“Representative Han. If you don’t want to work, just resign. No one will stop you. Rather, you can fill a truck with those who want to blow your head off on the road at night.”

“I think the General Manager will stop me.”

“The Boss isn’t going to stop you. I’ll make a neat resignation form, so just fill it in roughly and pass it to me. No matter how badly you’ve been educated, you can do that by yourself, right?”

“Are you forcing me to retire now?”

“You don’t know the word “recommended resignation”?^[3] You ignorant bastard! Even if the Manager covers for you, the Boss won’t let him!”

Only after hearing those words did I get a rough idea of how things were going.

There was a head-on collision between the minority who tried to save this damn company that had been spinned off from a famous Korean conglomerate into an affiliate, and the majority who tried to devour it moderately while harming it moderately.

Haha, there’s no way our Boss, who was pushed out of the line of succession and kicked out as the President of an affiliate company can actually run the company properly.

The General Manager was a veteran in this industry, so they couldn’t even dream of making him move away his desk or resign, but for me who was just a Representative it worked fine.

It was obvious that the reason I was pushed out as a “recommended resignation” rather than a unilateral dismissal was to prevent me from reporting it to the Labour Office as an unfair dismissal.

‘Well, I endured a lot this time.’

After my parents disappeared when I was young, I spent my adolescence moving around the homes of my relatives who swarmed around my parents’ fortune like piranhas.

It took me 3 years to get the rank of Representative at the first job I was lucky enough to get after leaving the military. It was a fairly quick promotion, but there were a lot of roadblocks for no reason.

In particular, people who tried to block my promotion because I looked hateful to my superiors, like the Senior Manager in front of me, who were often jealous of me and downplayed my achievements.

I’ve been at this fucking job for just 3 years, so it’s true that I did well.

I’ll be thirty the day after tomorrow.

There is nothing major to brag about other than that my work hair looks a little better than average.

In the end, I’ve always had an intolerant personality.

Anyway, it’s not my fault that it happened this way. It’s God’s fault for creating such a fucking world.

“Okay. It feels like I’m just lying down and receiving my resignation letter after wiping other people’s shit, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Huh, really, you can’t forget to run your mouth even when you’re leaving. I’m saying this because I’m genuinely concerned, but are you going to explode outside later?”

“If you run into me outside, it’s the Manager who will have to guard your mouth, so why are you worried about me?”

“……”

“I hope we do not meet in the future. Please deposit this month’s salary and severance pay on time. If you do not want to see calls from the Labour Office.”

I threw the resignation letter I had prepared in front of him.

It was a resignation letter that I’d always carried with me.

“Orphans always have shameful conduct.”

Before I left the office with my personal belongings, I clenched my fists at the words of the Manager, but I didn’t swing them.

It’s not because I was worrying about hitting someone or going to jail.

I desperately put up with others’ provocations, fearing that I would keep swinging my fists until I literally stopped breathing, or that my hands would have taken someone’s life when I regained my temper at some point.

It was like that when I was in school and also when I was in the military, so at least you shouldn’t make such a mess at work.

I didn’t even have a job anymore, so it didn’t matter.

‘I want to rest.’

I was hungry, tired, and even cursed at on an empty stomach.

Normally, after finishing overtime work, I would go to a soup restaurant near my company and go home after soothing my stomach with hot bean sprouts soup.

Today, for some reason, I didn’t even crave bean sprout soup from Mrs. Kim Mal-ja, who was always kind to me. I just wanted to go home and sleep like I’m dead. Sleep enough to really die.

Unlike others, I’d worked overtime as usual, and the sun was still shining because I was about to come out of the office in the morning when our old fossil Manager confronted me.

As always, the fumes emitted by vehicles crossing the centre of the city engulfed the lungs, and fine dust from the roads pricked my stiff eyes.

Come to think of it, this city had always been like this.

During the day, it showed an orderly appearance like an educational broadcast program that tries to show only the good side of things, but at night it showed off its promiscuity and obscenity.

I could see this city only just transformed its appearance from night to day. Nothing actually changed.

In the back-alley corners where people’s eyes couldn’t reach, there were always dirty, sticky, ugly and inconsequential people rolling around.

They were the kings of the night. Contrary to me, who was a slave of the night, they were a group of unfettered romantics who enjoyed the darkness of the night while doing whatever they wanted.

Suddenly, I had a strong longing to become like that.

But I am good at distinguishing between desire and impulse.

Desire is a primordial physiological phenomenon, but impulse is just a drug that torments me without reason.

There is a clear difference between simply cherishing a desire to hold a woman and engaging in illegal prostitution.

I have endured until now so that I don’t bridge that narrow gap as much as possible.

At school, I ran into the gang of delinquents who insulted my family so I crushed their faces while my body was shattered, and in the military, I swung the butt of my gun in response to the family insults consistently thrown by the commander.

It was the result of not being able to overcome the simple impulse to kill those who insulted my parents, beyond the desire to see them again.

So, I make a thorough distinction between desire and impulse. If I can’t tell them apart, either I die or the other person dies.

“I’ve got peace like a river… I’ve the peace like a river… overflowing.”

The hymn that I had been accustomed to since I was a child because of my mother, which I used to sing when I was angry, until blood dripped from my clenched palms, reflexively came out.

I laugh at the selfishness of a God who always wants me to praise and worship only Himself, without giving me a river of peace or a spring of joy.

Is it because I nodded off every time in church? Is it because of all those times I pretended to lip sync while in the choir? Is it because I left all of those Bible jigsaw puzzles untouched?

Are you now retaliating against me this way?

Have you ever wondered how an eight-year-old kid can live a fucking life after you threw him into the fucking world and got rid of his parents?

Maybe Santa Claus, who hasn’t come to visit me since I was eight, or my parents who have never contacted me since, would have wanted me to be as cool as those lower-class people cavorting in the back-alley corners.

“Huu.”

I rummaged through my pockets, ripped open the medicine bag, and swallowed the pills along with the fishy taste of blood in my throat.

It’s not just my bad habit of not being able to hold back my anger, no. It’s a drug I’ve been taking for the past few years to stop my impulse, which has now become a chronic disease.

Just how effective this is has been proven today, since that old fossil Manager’s face was not crushed.

I’m getting better. I’m getting better. I can be proud.

I am now ready to reunite with my parents.

Beep!

As I opened the front door of the youth rental housing where I lived, I was greeted by the heavily subdued air.

The only thing in the house where a man lived alone was a work table, a PC, and the basic home appliances pre-prepared for rental housing.

I threw my clothes in the washing machine and lay flat on the mattress. If you lay on the mattress and looked up, you could see a small cross hanging on the wall.

I no longer go to church or use a Bible, but for some reason I have always carried at least one cross with me since becoming independent.

I didn’t need someone to mentally lean on. Rather, I needed an object to resent and express my anger, so I just put it in a place where I could see it clearly.

Jesus Christ, nailed to the cross and carved with a groaning face.

How painful was the cross? Would blood have gushed out of his palms like mine, resenting the one who was his Father, and lamenting the course of his whole damn life?

“But you eventually returned to your Father’s arms.”

I stared at the cross hanging on the wall until my tired eyelids drooped down.

Jesus, you are just a fraud.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] 코인 가즈아아아아아아아 (lit. coin GAZAAA…) – slang, coin is usually short for cryptocurrency while Gaza is a slang for things (stock, sports bets, crypto etc) rising up.

[2] 싹수 노란 (lit. yellow sprout) – 싹수 means luck or fortune, so 싹수 노란 literally means somebody who has shitty luck. This is how an adult might swear at a delinquent child.

[3] 권고사직이라는 (recommended resignation) means that the workplace recommends the worker to leave and issues a letter of resignation based on the worker’s own unforced opinion.

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Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 0

October 6, 2021April 25, 2023 · 2 Comments ·

To the readers. This story can be crude, intense, and quite offensive to the deeply religious. Despite the title. But this is probably one of the webnovels with the most intense ‘voice’ in the KR scene.

I’ve Got Peace Like a River, Free of Charge

I have a very bad habit of impatience since childhood.

Anyway, the fucking grown-ups said it was a bad habit, so it must have been one.

Aside from that bad habit, I was also a bad kid overall.

I think I was a bad kid because I punched my father in the chin, who was saying that Santa wouldn’t give me a present for Christmas because I was so bad.

When I was only eight years old, I had to skip dinner for openly punching my father in the chin, and I had to copy the Bible instead of writing a self-reflection letter.

Maybe because my mother was a devout Christian, whenever she couldn’t stand my bad habits, she forcibly sat me down at my desk and made me copy the Bible. It was the so-called Biblical version of the punishment.

While I was copying the Bible murmuring the ‘fuck’ word I’d learned from a weekend morning drama, my mother sneaked in through the door and put a cup of warm milk next to me.

Then she said.

– All of this is because Jesus loves you. You understand what mom’s saying?

Each time, I couldn’t contain my anger, so I used to reply with words like this.

– What Jesus!!!! Santa’s the best!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, every time that happened, the number of papers I had to write on doubled. I remember increasing it up to 8 times.

Thanks to that, calluses were firmly embedded in the knuckles of my fingers by the time I was entering elementary school.

So, did my bad habit of getting angry go away? After such a long time copying, it must have been all right because I was so exhausted and starved for dinner.

– Teacher! I don’t want to be friends with Si-Woo!

– I hate you too, damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

– Si-Woo! Where did you learn such naughty words!!

That bitch, who looked like a steamed bun with thick layers of fat, openly called me a ‘weird idiot’^[1] during break time, so I just countered.

The teacher brought me to the front desk in full view of everyone in the class and performed a shame play. He pulled my pants down and hit my thigh with a cane.

Wait a minute, everyone may be wondering how such an absurd corporal punishment can be performed in a country that values advanced education and children’s rights.

In conclusion, my homeroom teacher was another faithful stalker fan of Jesus who went to the same church as my mother, and as soon as I was assigned to the homeroom teacher’s class, my mother directly allowed ‘freedom of corporal punishment’.

So, I was the only S/M play tool tolerated at this school, because of my parents.

Han Si-woo, a human being, at the age of eight, knowing the bitter taste of the world, went back to his seat while being ridiculed and pointed at by his classmates.

And the moment I faced the bitch who wiped away her false tears like a crocodile, sticking out her tongue and whispering to me, my bad habit flared up again and I threw a fist.

So, on the first day of elementary school, I was called to the school office for breaking one of the teeth of the ‘bitch’ next to me (another word I learned from the morning drama).

As expected of those who gave birth to such a bad bitch, her parents burst into the room and raised their voices at me, and my parents bowed their backs and apologized over and over again.

In that stuffy space where no one took my side and immediately threatened me to apologize, I naturally activated my bad habit.

– What the hell did I do wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unable to control my anger, I screamed and ran away. In an instant, I made like a runaway ninja through a hole under the school fence and weaved through the bustling city past the dangerous vehicles.

And then I was sitting on an old playground in an old apartment building that was soon to be demolished, digging the sand pit like crazy.

There was no particular reason. My hands were too weak to grab anything and punch, and I couldn’t stand still, so I just dug into the sand like crazy.

– Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!!

Had I been stuck on the sand pit for a while with a face that looked like I was about to explode at any moment?

I stopped my dirty hands when I felt the moist, hard soil under the soft sand.

Hungry. When I go home, I’m going to go hungry again for dinner, right? This time, it is unconditionally guaranteed that you’ll have to write 500 times.

So maybe I shouldn’t go home? Damn I’m smart!

– Oh, Lord Jesus, overflowing with love ~

Because of my mother, after watching a weekend morning drama, I was taken to the morning worship service. The hymn that had stuck to my tongue now leaked out.

– Jesus, more beautiful than the fragrant flowers of love ~

Jesus who didn’t give me dinner every day.

Jesus who made me copy the Bible every day.

Jesus who always said that I was the only bad boy.

Also, Santa Claus was the best. Because even if I was a bad child, while growing up, he always left presents by my bedside.

When I went to my maternal grandmother’s house, even when my cousin and I had an ownership dispute for my toy robot, the solemn judge (grandfather) was always on the side of my cousin.

The toy robot that was stolen last year was more meaningful because it was given to me by my grandfather on Christmas when I was five years old.

So, I couldn’t stand my bad habit and overturned my grandfather’s bowl of rice cake soup. At that time, the fact that my maternal grandfather got burned with hot rice cake soup was also the reason why it was eight times.

Still, I was brave. Like now.

– Jesus, Heaven and Unbelief, Hell^[2] ~ Jesus is the best ~ Jesus is so strong that he can lift^[3] five tons at the gym ~

He’d never been of any help my whole life, but anyway, I couldn’t help it because the only song I knew was a hymn that praised him blindly.

That was why when the other kids were like this, turututtu~, I only sang hymns.

A big reason why my mother made me sing only hymns was to put me in the church children’s choir.

Still, I couldn’t stand being hungry. In the still chilly spring, the darker the sky, the colder it got.

If you don’t go home, you don’t have to worry about copying the Bible, but if you do, then you can secretly search the refrigerator at night even if there’s no dinner.

You have to go home to sneak into the fridge at night to eat!

– I’ll let it go just this once!

Dusting off my hands, I got up and went back the way I came.

I was smart enough to memorize the lines in the morning drama, so I did not forget the path I had come and found the way back properly. By now I could write without even looking at the Bible.

When I returned home, what I saw was an empty house.

The warmth of the kitchen, where mother would be preparing dinner, the angry voices arguing with each other nervously about how parents should educate the child, the smell of delicious rice that I can’t eat anyway, but can find by rummaging through the refrigerator at night. None of it.

A dimly lit house with nothing but cold air greeted me.

Maybe my parents were looking for me by now, or they were going to skip my dinner anyway, so they were eating out.

With that in mind, I went back to my room as usual and wrote from the Bible. Write it down in advance so you won’t get scolded later.

But even after a day or two passed, my parents didn’t come back to their home. Even when I graduated from school, moving back and forth between my relatives’ houses, they never came back.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] 고로시 (lit. “Goroshi”), a mutated slur derived from a Japansese word.

[2] 예수천국 불신지옥 (Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell) – the title of the story is the same as a militant Protestant Christian slogan that has found some purchase in Korea. The doctrine plainly states that those who do not believe in Jesus will go to hell. See: Namu Wiki

[3] The raw mentions the ‘big three’ lifts – that is, squat, bench press and deadlift.

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Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell

October 6, 2021August 16, 2023 · 7 Comments ·

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell

#modern #urban #comedy #horror #occult

See: NovelUpdates

If you don’t want to be left behind, believe in Jesus.
– A Fauvist story of a modern-day exorcist.
“If the Lord Above wants mechanical fanatics with their free will castrated, I’ll help.
“I will send even the last person to Heaven. I will preach to all sinners in the world the solemn meaning of Jesus’ Heaven and Unbelievers’ Hell.
“But leave me out of that disgusting skit.”
Watching everyone ascend to Heaven, I will proudly walk into Hell.

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Category: jesus heaven unbelief hell

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 8

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 7

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 6

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 5

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 4

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 3

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 2

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 1

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell – Episode 0

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell

Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell